The Gift of Vulnerability

I think myself to be rather strong. As friendly and open as I appear to be, I am not very good with sharing things that are important to me. It takes a lot for me to open up about things in my heart and my life. I never usually share anything until I have pondered long and hard about what, if any, details I will share. My need to keep all these things to myself arises from a fear of being vulnerable. I simply hate it. I hate how it feels to share your most deepest darkest issues with people, especially those who know me best. It makes me feel weak and out of control of my own life. It makes me feel like I have no clue what I am doing in world where everyone seems to have it all figured out.

I feel especially so with people in my church community, people I have shared many good times with. To share my trials and struggles before I have overcome them, makes me feel like my faith is not strong enough to have kept me away from trouble in the first place. I guess I seem to have forgotten Jesus' words when He said "In this world you will have trouble, but be of good cheer I have overcome the world" (John 16:33). My despise of vulnerability is rooted in my despise of weakness. I hate weakness of all kind and form, more in myself then any where else. And sadly that hatred of weakness is rooted in my pride and what I deem to be my "self image".

I guess that is the beauty of walking with God in this journey of faith, He will bring us to a place of encounter, to deal with the things that so often keep us from living a full life in Christ. My pride is one such thing,it is this pride that has kept me from seeking help in my most difficult times. The church would serve no purpose if we though we could all handle our issues by ourselves. What would the need be to develop godly relationships if we cannot trust one another enough to give a helping hand and a praying heart when life's storms toss us to and fro? I guess for a very long time I did not understand the beauty of the church in that context. Church was a place to worship and serve others never expecting anything in return. But God cares about our well being. He knows that if the enemy can isolate us, he can annihilate us. There is protection in the church community, there is freedom in sharing ones burdens with believers that will not condemn you, but will stand firm in prayer with you.

God has been working really hard with me on my pride, on my absolute fear of vulnerability, of exposing the things that make me weak. But the irony is that weakness becomes strong when it has such a hold on us we are unable to share it without shame. My pride has been the reason I have faced my most painful challenges alone, where I held on to my sanity on a shoe string, simply because I was to ashamed to share the things that make me feel vulnerable...There it is, that word -SHAME. What a weapon that is for the enemy to isolate us from the blessing of a godly community, the church is meant to be a sanctuary, a place where we do not feel the need to hide.

I am slowly learning to let others in on my struggles, people I can trust will pray for me and not gossip about me, people that will stand in the gap for me when my faith is growing weary, people I trust enough to be vulnerable with. I finally understand why gossip is a disease that should not be found in the church, it leads to distrust and finally to isolation of individuals in the body.

I guess God still has some way to go with me, because I may have learned to share my vulnerabilities to some extent, but I am yet to learn how to deal with the emotion of feeling exposed. To learn to trust that the people I share my battles with will not abuse that trust. I guess at the end of the day it all boils down to trust, to trust that God has the answers, that He has made us dependent on one another in order to strengthen the entire body of Christ. At the end of the day, to be able to be vulnerable in front of people we can trust is not a curse nor a burden, it is a gift...

P.S. I just love the song "out of hiding" by Steffany Gretzinger.  What a beautiful song that tells us that God does not want us to live in hiding, to leave behind the fear that keeps us away from Him.