The Bargaining Chip

Now I am hoping that I will not be spitting the same old thing you may have heard a thousand times over and that this post may bring a new revelation the way this came as a HUGE revelation to me.

I will start by saying that most, if not all of us have, bargained with God for some or other thing. But the one thing I truly believe we are constantly bargaining with God for is for a spouse. Let me clarify; all those times we spend on our knees praying that God send us a spouse and we will be better Christians? Remember that?...You are bargaining.

And for those of you who think that you have missed the bullet because you have never asked God for such a thing...How about when you believe that the more faithful you are to God, the more you become a proverbs 31 women, the closer you draw to God, the more you seek Him, the better your chances are for finding a spouse? Sound familiar?...Girl you are bargaining!

We as women of God have become so caught up in finding a spouse that it seems everything we do somehow revolves around tryna catch a man. We serve because we hope a church brother will notice us, we draw closer to God because we are tryna become the women a God fearing man is praying for...Now don't get me wrong I am not saying we do not do these thing because we genuinely want to pursue a relationship with God, however I am saying that for many woman, at the very least, at the back of her mind, we believe that drawing closer to God means drawing closer to a godly husband. Ladies hear me there is NOTHING wrong with wanting a godly man, but there is something wrong when our MOTIVATION for seeking intimacy with God is so He will REWARD us with a spouse.

Now I am going to lay it down and share a little testimony with ya'll. About four years ago, I was at a real "high" with God, I mean I was supper crazy in love with God, I was all things Jesus and was set on fire to preach and spread the word of God. At that point, in time I did not think I could go any "higher" with God I was madly in love with Him, I lived to follow and obey God. Now I came to this point in my life through a genuine hunger for God, but when I arrived at that place, I was expecting that the godly spouse would soon follow. I was the pristine example of a proverbs 31 woman and I believe because I had been faithful to God and had kept myself despite all odds God would reward me with a godly relationship.

I kept on serving and loving God but at the back of my mind, I was waiting for the moment God would "surprise" me with the thing I most wanted. I mean why wouldn't He? I have been a servant, I came to church every Sunday and I loved Him, so it should only be a matter of time before I get my "blessing”. Needless to say, it did not happen, in fact that was probably the one time in my life that not a single guy showed any kind of interest in me.

Confused did not begin to describe how I felt. I did not want to let other people know how I felt. I did not want to be that girl...you know the "husband hunter”. I wanted to be content and patient, but that was sure not how I felt. I thought I had earned it, and if my upstanding behaviour did not fish me a suitor than what would?

I’m guessing many of you expect me to continue this story by saying how I learned to be content and then I found a man....Uh well no, that is the furthest from my reality as it can get. A lot of other things happened in my life and I am in a place with my journey in life and with God that I never dreamed I would be...It was a long and hard journey and many a time I wanted to quit this faith race. My experience has moved me in a place with God a never thought I would ever find myself.

Needless to say I have not found prince charming, I found plenty of frogs (but that is a whole other story on its own) but I am learning to be ok with just being me and seeking God without hidden agendas. I am learning not to bargain with God, because I do not have to. All I have to do is ask and if God feels it is not right for me, to be content with His answers, because He has this, He knows me and He knows my desires. But maybe He wants me a little longer to Himself, to learn to love Him for Him and not for what He can give me.

My commitment and obedience (something I am still working on) is not a bargain chip to get what I think I deserve. God deserves all of me, He wants all of me the good, bad and ugly (and best believe me there is a lot of ugly at times) and I am learning to trust Him, to show Him all of me even the bits I am ashamed of.

So for now I am good to not have a boyfriend or courtship. Would I like one? Oh best believe I do, but it is no longer a condition of my love and commitment to my Father.

Will I be disappointed if I am to remain single to serve God's purpose?...Yes, to some degree I will feel a sense of loss, but I am learning to trust God in all His plans for me and I now understand that even though I don't always understand His ways and reasoning, His plan for me is perfect and there could not be a better version anywhere else in the universe.