When The Fire Is Lost- Part 2

I soon realised that bad was not as liberating as I thought, as a matter of fact bad had many consequences .I started to worry about things I never had to worry about before.And than it hit me,the life I was so willing to run away from was the place I was the most protected in.Being under God's will is not a violation of your freedom, its a haven to become who God has called you to be,the very best of you.Its a safe place to make mistakes,learn and grow.But I had viewed it as a place where too much was expected,but upon closer look, I realised that I put those expectations on myself and people just had these expectations as a result of me.

Somewhere in my journey I lost the real reason why I loved God,not because of anything I had done,but because He loved me FIRST and he loved me long before I gave my heart to Him.I was trying to earn God's love and I did not even realise it.I was so blessed and favoured that it felt unfair to receive all these blessing without some effort from my side. That's why I pushed myself to be a "better" christian.It was not God or my church that placed that expectation on me,It was all me.

When I had turned my back on God,he remained more faithful than I can recall in my life.The further I tried to run the closer He was.I literally had Him in my head, even when I was living in sin a gospel song would play in my head like it was on repeat and no matter how much I tried to shut it out it just became louder.I was angry that God would just not let me go.I was beyond redemption I told myself and was determine to do bad really good.

I prepared myself to loose God's favour,I mean why would he bless me when I serve no purpose in His Kingdom?But boy was I wrong. He opened doors in my life in ways I cant explain,He answered prayers long forgotten and I just could not understand why He would do that for me,a daughter that forsook Him and turned her back on the path He put Her on.I lived in sin consciously and I chose that path daily,yet God looked out for me,"what love is this?" ,I though to myself.I tried to push the boundaries further to prove to myself that eventually God will get tired of my sinful life and give up on me. But 2 Timothy 2:13 proved to be more real than I ever realised "If we are faithless,He remains faithful because He cannot deny Himself".God's faithfulness to me was NEVER depended on my faithfulness to Him,He IS faithful,it is HIS person,He cannot help but be faithful even when we are not.

I am slowly learning that God has not given up on me,and until my dying breath He WILL remain faithful.He knew long before I did, that I will choose this path and only He knows how long it will take for me to find my way back to Him.I am learning to love Him again because I was always ment to love Him.Even in my rebellion I realise that there is a gaping hole where God belongs.

He is the love of my life,the love movies aren't made of.He loves me so passionately that it leaves me in pure awe.My fire may be lost,but I am loved by the all consuming fire.Its a hard road and I dont recommend anyone takes it willingly,stay close to God,there is NOTHING beyond Him,trust me I went looking and I came back disappointed and bruised.

I am coming home that's the only promise I ever made God,it would be pure madness to turn my back on the ONE who loves me the most in the world.I am a very lucky girl, Dad always comes find me.