When The Fire Is Lost

I have lost it,I have lost that crazy "I am in love with Jesus" fire burning passion and I am honest enough to say it.

Since I made the choice to give my life to God I had some radicle changes in my life.I fell deeply and madly in love with my God and I breathed to please and live HIM.I loved to serve I loved to give I loved to share I just LOVED.Over the years God refined and renewed and restored many areas of my life and I could simply not imagine a life without HIM.But one day that all changed,it was a slow fade,I become the kind of person Christians are baffled about.I never saw myself just becoming stone cold,just stopping,just giving up,I had lost it-my fire.

I tried for months on end to hide the fact that I just dont love God that much or maybe not at all.I was the person many people looked up to and expected much off.I am "called for greatness" they said and to some extend I knew that,but I felt cheated and cornered into a destiny I didn't want .I should know better than the path I am going down but that just spurred me further away from God.

My whole life everyone always expected me to be the best, do the best, behave the best,there was no room for error or weakness,whether it be academics or general behaviour. And that became my identity.I could not, nor would I fail PERIOD.But than I reached this point in my life where no amount of trying could make me a better Christian. I could not love God more, I

could not be more committed and selfless .I felt that I had to keep pushing until it works,until I get this Christianity thing right and when I realised  that I can not be any more good than I am trying to be now,I became bad. Bad was easy, bad was liberating, bad was fun.I had never done bad-not really.I had never let my inhibitions go and do whatever I wanted because I always had a reputation to uphold.

And that's where the downward spiral began.I had to LEARN to shut God out,because for the past five years He always spoke to me and I just didn't want to hear Him call me back to a life I wanted to leave.But in my "freedom" I was still a captive,because I still felt the need to put up a facade of the person people knew me to be and expected me to be.I did my bad in secret and I loved it...

My story continues in part 2 of "When The Fire Is Lost" that will be posted soon,so make sure to come back and read it.